Assertiveness: Positive Behaviour

I find that assertiveness is a widely misunderstood term which is often equated with aggression.

It is most certainly not; neither is it the copyright of a gender, or a creed or of a person belonging to a particular section of the society. You can assert yourself in a job interview, without upsetting the interview, or you can be assertive when filling in job applications forms. And, no, it is not about being pushy or bragging.

It is a form of positive behaviour which demonstrates your own self-respect and your respect for others. It should not be about getting your own way at all costs, and should not be confused with being more aggressive in the workplace, something which many new managers wrongly seem to think.

I would try to think of it as an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication of your opinions, feelings, needs, and rights in a way that does not violate the personal rights of others.

Being assertive is a way to ask for what a person needs, state difficult feelings such as anger or disappointment and negotiate well with others.

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Being Assertive

Being assertive is also being able to express your own needs in a confident manner and maintaining a good relationship with those you are communicating with - not about trying to dominate others: often it's a more about resisting people who are trying to dominate or manipulate you. Once you know what being assertive means, then I'll show you some methods to help you on your way.

• Not being passive and communicating the positive way;
• Assertiveness not aggressiveness is the most acceptable way;
• Saying what You want avoids misunderstanding
• Saying what you mean doesn't need to cause upset
• Saying ‘no’ without fear liberates you

In a way, assertiveness is a way of speaking up for yourself without feeling bad about doing so. You'll see some examples of speaking up for who you are and what's good about you in the list of personal attributes.

Dealing With Awkward Moments

The most self-assured and confident of us have experienced awkward business or social encounters at some time or another.

These awkward moments can easily upset our encounters with other people, whether at work or shopping, or with people you know, leaving us and them with a residual feeling of discomfort, resentment or "unfinished business" after we have parted.

Have you ever felt you were left with a "red face" because we believe you said the "wrong" thing; or have you felt resentful at having been "ripped off" because you did not get our point across clearly in a business deal.

Other common problem areas include those few moments before answering a summons to see the boss in his office or standing up to say a few words in public.

Dealing with unwelcome demands from others, handling just or unjust critical attack and claiming our rights when others seem bent on thwarting them are, for the most of us, at the most stressful end of the spectrum.

In extreme cases, we may show signs of stress and anxiety - such as breaking into a cold sweat, feeling our vocal cords seize up or our hands and legs beginning to shake uncontrollably.

"He who hesitates is not lost"

Almost all difficulties we experience when encountering other people are due to "automatic responding" where, we have begun talking without first properly engaging our brain and are in the process of saying something which we already regret. On the other hand, if we wish to deal with any awkward encounter effectively, there is simply no substitute for pausing briefly while we assess what is happening around us and how we are going to behave once we join in.

This "freeze-frame" need only be activated for a few brief seconds when we become aware of the danger of automatic responses. However, it can be a time saver and often a face-saver, giving us a buffer period in which to decide how to handle a given situation.

Your Rights

1. The right to change your mind
2. The right to make mistakes
3. The right to make decisions or statements without having to justify them.
4. The right not to know or understand about something
5. The right to feel and express emotions, both positive and negative, without feeling that it is weak or undesirable to do so
6. The right not to get involved with someone else's problems if you do not want to
7. The right to refuse demands on you
8. The right to be judge of yourself and your own actions and to cope with their consequences
9. The right simply to be yourself without having to act for other people's benefit
10. The right to do all of these things without giving any reasons at all for your actions

Being assertive is an alternative to passive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour and is based on two important traits: relatively good self-confidence and good communication skills. Adopting this behaviour is largely the realization that you are in control of what you will or will not do, but not in control of what others will or will not do. One of the most significant implications of learning to be assertive is that it increases the individual's freedom. Because it's based on mutual respect, it is an effective and diplomatic communication style.

It is also about being able to express your own needs in a confident manner and maintaining a good relationship with those you are communicating with - not about trying to dominate them, particularly in a job interview situation. Once you know what it means to be assertive, you will understand the best methods to help you on your way.

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