Assertiveness: Positive Behaviour

Assertiveness is widely misunderstood, often equated with aggression, which is not; neither is it the copyright of a gender, or a creed or of a person belonging to a particular stratum of the society. It is a form of positive behaviour which demonstrates your self-respect and respect for others, but not about getting your own way at all costs, and should not be confused with being more aggressive in the workplace.

Being assertive is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication of your opinions, feelings, needs, and rights in a way that does not violate the personal rights of others. It is a way to ask for what a person needs, state difficult feelings such as anger and disappointment and negotiate well with others.

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It is also being able to express your own needs in a confident manner and maintaining a good relationship with those you are communicating with - not about trying to dominate others: it is a more a matter of resisting those who seek to dominate and manipulate you. Once you now know what being assertive means, then there are some methods to help you on your way.

• Assertive not passive is communicating the positive way
• Assertive not aggressive is the most acceptable way
• Saying what you want avoids misunderstanding
• Saying what you mean doesn't need to cause upset
• Saying ‘no’ without fear liberates you

The most self-assured and confident of us have experienced awkward business or social encounters at some time or another. These awkward moments can easily colour our encounters with other people, leaving us and them with a residual feeling of discomfort, resentment or "unfinished business" after we have parted.

We are left with a "red face" because we believe we have said the "wrong" thing; or we may feel resentful at having been "ripped off" because we did not get our point across clearly in a business deal.

Other common problem areas include those few moments before answering a summons to see the boss in his office or standing up to say a few words in public. Dealing with unwelcome demands from others, handling just or unjust critical attack and claiming our rights when others seem bent on thwarting them are, for the most of us, at the most stressful end of the "awkwardness" continuum. In extreme cases, we may show signs of stress and anxiety - such as breaking into a cold sweat, feeling our vocal cords seize up or our hands and legs beginning to shake uncontrollably.

"He who hesitates is not lost"

Almost all difficulties we experience when encountering other people are due to "automatic responding" where, we have begun talking without first properly engaging our brain and are in the process of saying something which we already regret. On the other hand, if we wish to deal with any awkward encounter effectively, there is simply no substitute for pausing briefly while we assess what is happening around us and how we are going to behave once we join in. This "freeze-frame" need only be activated for a few brief seconds when we become aware of the danger of automatic responses. However, it can be a time saver and often a face-saver, giving us a buffer period in which to decide how to handle a given situation.

Your Rights

1. The right to change your mind
2. The right to make mistakes
3. The right to make decisions or statements without having to justify them.
4. The right not to know or understand about something
5. The right to feel and express emotions, both positive and negative, without feeling that it is weak or undesirable to do so
6. The right not to get involved with someone else's problems if you do not want to
7. The right to refuse demands on you
8. The right to be judge of yourself and your own actions and to cope with their consequences
9. The right simply to be yourself without having to act for other people's benefit
10. The right to do all of these things without giving any reasons at all for your actions

Assertiveness is an alternative to passive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour and is based on two important traits: relatively good self-confidence and good communication skills. Adopting assertive behaviour is largely the realization that you are in control of what you will or will not do, but not in control of what others will or will not do. One of the most significant implications of learning to be assertive is that it increases the individual's freedom. Because it's based on mutual respect, it is an effective and diplomatic communication style.

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